Inside this blog post:
1. Introduction: What does forgiveness mean?
2: Why Forgiveness Matters
3. The Challenges of Forgiveness
4: Common Misconceptions About Forgiveness
5: Steps Toward Forgiveness
6. Dealing with Deep Betrayals or significant harm
7. Conclusion: Forgive and Forgiveness
1. Introduction: What does forgiveness mean?
Forgiveness is something that we all crave. To forgive and also to be forgiven. So what is forgiveness? Forgiveness can be defined as an intentional decision to let go of anger or ill will toward someone else. It is a freeing of one's emotions in the willful exercise of letting go. As a practising Christian, forgiveness sits at the pinnacle of my faith. The Bible tells us that in order for us to be forgiven of our sins, we must also forgive others of the sins they have committed towards us. It is not an optional act. It is mandated. This blog post is all about forgiveness, I will dive into some common misconceptions about forgiveness, talk about why forgiveness matters, the challenges people often face with forgiveness, steps toward forgiveness, the benefits of forgiveness and also how to forgive after deep betrayal or significant harm?
2: Why Forgiveness Matters
Forgiveness is truly important for several reasons, it matters because it impacts your emotional health, your physical health, your relationships and your spiritual and personal growth. Here's how:
Emotional Health
When you don't forgive, you are actually harboring resentment and ill will toward the other person. Resentment is a major barrier to good mental health. It is time consuming and will keep you up at night. Which eventually leads to stress and anxiety. Both of which are not good for you emotionally.
Physical Health
The mind and the body work hand in hand. If you are harboring a lot of stress and anxiety, it will eventually trickle into your physical health. Further to this, forgiveness has some pretty great physical benefits according to science. Did you know that forgiveness can actually lower your blood pressure? Here's how: true forgiveness creates a physiological effect on your body. When you forgive, you are lessening the burden that you have on your heart. Forgiveness reduces stress and anxiety. Two components that can negatively affect your blood pressure.
Relationships
Forgiveness allows you to strengthen the relationships that you have in your life. Imagine spending a more relaxed time with your loved one after you have forgiven them. The tension and the negative feelings you use to have will now be gone and you can try and enjoy your relationships more.
Spiritual and Personal Growth
Forgiveness enables you to reach a level of inner peace that will allow you to grow spiritually and personally. It is one of the most liberating acts that a person can perform. Forgiving not only frees your soul but it also connects you to a heightened level of freedom that will transform how you see the world around you.
3. The Challenges of Forgiveness
The nature of forgiveness is sometimes complex. Lack of forgiveness is sometimes fuelled by some challenges. Challenges such as common barriers to forgiveness, societal norms and the complex nature of your wounds.
Common barriers to forgiveness:
If you are ruled by what I like to call S.P.A., then forgiveness will be difficult for you. SPA stands for Shame, Pride and Anger. These three together or individually can create major barriers to whether you let go or not.
Shame blocks you from forgiving because it tells you to hide from whatever your situation is. Especially when it comes to forgiving yourself. And yes, forgiveness to yourself is also a thing. Sometimes, the person that we need to forgive is ourselves. Shame keeps you hostage. It deceptively tells you that what you have done cannot be forgiven. That you are horrible.
Pride tells you that we are too good to forgive others. It creates a superior sense of our reality in which you think that your sin is better than the sin committed against you.
Anger tells you that it is okay to keep fighting. It boils your temperament to a point that you can't understand or even imagine forgiving the other person. Anger leads to danger even when it comes to forgiveness.
Living your life through the window of S.P.A. can be a major barrier to the peace that you hold in your heart.
Related content: Overcoming Limiting Beliefs: How to Unlock Your True Potential.
Societal Views
Another barrier to forgiving others is falling trap to the view that society places on forgiveness. There is quite a bit of faultiness inour society that forgiveness or forgiving others is a weakness. This is absolutely not true. Choosing to forgive is one of the strongest pursuits that you will ever encounter in your life.
Complexity of your wounds
Your wounds are valid. I know that I have been through some really difficult things in my life that I couldn't even imagine myself forgiving the other person for. Forgiveness does not mean that your wounds are not complex or real or that you don't hurt deeply and profoundly. Yes, the hurt you feel makes forgiveness challenging but it shouldn't stop you. Read on to see how you can deal with deep betrayal or significant harm.
4: Common Misconceptions About Forgiveness
There are several misconceptions about forgiveness. These make it difficult for true forgiveness to take place.
Misconception # 1: Forgiveness vs. Condemnation
A lot of people wrongly believe that if you forgive someone, especially unthinkable acts, then you are condoning the person's behavior. This is simply not true. Forgiveness is about you and your freedom, not the other person or their behavior.
Misconception # 2: Forgiveness vs. Reconciliation
Forgiveness comes with boundaries. Just because you forgive someone does not mean that you have to reconcile with that person. You still have to exercise wisdom when going through forgiveness. Sometimes having distance away from your offender can make forgiving them easier.
Misconception # 3: Forgive and forget
This is a huge myth. Forgiveness does not wipe away the memory of what happened to you. It frees you up to create healthier memories in the future. You must forgive but you don't always forget the offenses against you.
5: Steps Toward Forgiveness
It is clear that forgiving or forgiveness is not always easy but here are some steps that you can take to help make your forgiveness journey easier.
Step 1: Acknowledgement
It is okay to acknowledge that you are hurt or own what you are feeling. It happened and it is real so take some time to validate your feelings. Ask yourself these key questions as you navigate acknowledgement.
Question # 1: What is my primary emotion at this very moment?
Question # 2: How am I feeling physically as I acknowledge this emotion?
Question # 3: How do I feel about this particular acknowledgment or emotion?
Step 2: Understanding and Empathy
Allowing yourself to forgive someone will take a true exercise in understanding and empathy. Put yourself in their shoes for a second to see if you can gain any insight into why they did what they did. Is the offence something that could not be controlled? Gaining perspective on the matter does not excuse the behaviour but it allows you to diffuse it by switching your focal point.
Step 3: Letting Go
This step is probably one of the hardest parts of the forgiveness process. I know I sometimes struggle with this but as I age and mature in my faith. I find it gets easier. There are many ways you can facilitate the process of letting go. Here are some letting go strategies you can try today:
Prayer
Praying is a dialogue that you have with God. It allows you to submit your concerns and your thankfulness to God. It relinquishes your power and distributes it rightfully to your creator.
Meditation
This strategy can work hand in hand with prayer. Meditation allows you to center yourself and isolate a particular thought and release it through mindful breathing. Again, another way of surrendering your will and allowing the forceful energy of peace engulf your soul.
Journaling
I must admit that I am able to articulate my thoughts better through writing than I can verbally. Journaling is a great way to see your thoughts come alive on paper. It allows you to see a pattern or a progression on how you are feeling. It can be private or just for you or you can use it as a form of expression to help someone else understand exactly how you feel.
Step 4: Look Ahead
This is the sweet spot in forgiveness. This is when you start to look ahead and not back. One of the biggest obstacles to true forgiveness is that rear view mirror. If you are driving to a destination and instead of looking forward to where you are going, you choose to look back into your rear view mirror, we can all agree that you would crash. Forgiveness is like that too! Looking back does not do anything to advance your personal growth. It actually keeps you stagnant or crippled. It is always important for you to grow from your lived experiences.
6. Dealing with Deep Betrayals or significant harm
Forgiveness needs to happen whether the offence is mild or deeply concerning in nature. This section is about dealing with the most difficult kinds of betrayals or significant harm. How do you forgive the most heinous offences or sometimes crimes against you? What can you do for yourself to allow you to take the necessary steps to forgive the other person or people involved?
Create a safe space
Create a safe space for yourself that will allow you to explore when and how you can forgive the person or persons who has done the unthinkable to you or someone you love. A space in which you can acknowledge what has happened and process how you feel about it. Let yourself go through the process of grieving or the process of owning your feelings. Scream if you have it. What has happened to you probably feels surreal and maybe you won't understand it fully for a while.
Don't feel pressure
The pressure to forgive is always there, especially if forgiving is part of your faith. Don't enforce any timeline forgiveness pressure on yourself. The only thing you should commit to is that you will forgive, everything else will have to fall into place as you navigate your feelings.
Release it
When you are ready and you feel that it is the right time to forgive then release the blessing of forgiveness into the realm of possibility. Forgive him or her or them and release any negative thoughts from your mind. This release is really for you. What it does is it frees your thoughts and prepares you for the beautiful things that lie ahead for you. Forgiveness is a process, which means it takes time.
7. Conclusion: forgive and forgiveness
To forgive is not easy at all. It takes real growth and introspective ambitions to forgive others. But, it is a really important part of the human connection. Forgiveness does not mean that you give the other person or persons a free pass. Forgiveness comes with boundaries. In order to forgive, you have to follow a process that allows you to acknowledge what you have been through. Show understanding and empathy to the offending party and create a path for you to let go and free yourself. Forgiveness is truly about you and not the other person.
Forgiveness however is not without its fair share of challenges: The SPA( Shame, Pride, Anger) is a place that most people like to visit before their forgiveness destination. Shame keeps you from forgiving yourself and tells you that either what you did or was done to you is quite shameful. Pride creates a swelling of your head that separates you from human kindness and grace. Anger fosters dangerous behaviors that create a negative ripple in your life.
The steps to forgiveness is one that will take time but it is one in which should be initiated and started in order for you to free yourself. The first step being to acknowledge your hurt. This step will allow you clarity as you navigate through understanding and empathy, prayer and meditation and eventually letting it go.
I encourage you today to think about who in your life that needs your forgiveness. Even if you start with yourself. Self-compassion is also important in your forgiveness journey. Make a list of all the people in your life that you need to forgive and take the first steps towards forgiveness.
In the words of Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. "Forgiveness is not an occasional act, it is a constant attitude". Make Forgiveness your constant attitude today.
Recommended Personal Growth Resources:
Ultimate Prayer & Gratitude Journal- Click here
This is the Ultimate Prayer Journal. Keep in gratitude and prayer all day long with this simple but very effective journal.
Self Love Journal- Click here
When was the last time you put yourself first? The time is now! Especially if you can't remember or hesitate thinking about it. This is the best self care journal to get you started on taking care of yourself today!
Are you ready for consistent victory in your life? Have you asked yourself how to be successful in life? It’s About Time For You To Reprogram Your Mind For Success!
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